The struggle to stay normal

Every day I play normal.  I text or call my mom to see how she is doing.  Today the tube in her side is still hurting and she admitted she had to take some strong pain meds her dr prescribed because it hurt so bad.  This is a big thing for my mother to admit because she does not want anyone to know how much she hurts.  So I can't acknowledge her pain.  I have to pretend this is a normal, everyday thing.  I do suggest she call her dr because it's been hurting for days but she sees the dr tomorrow so she will not call today unless she starts bleeding profusely from her side.  I have to pretend she isn't hurting and her pain does not hurt me.  I don't talk about this with my spouse because how much does he want to hear everyday about how my mom hurts or how I feel while she struggles with cancer.  I'll be honest.  I don't know how I feel.  I've never been great with talking about my feelings anyway.  I don't know if i'm mad, sad, depressed, in denial...what.  What am I?  I'm chugging along.  That's what I am.