Always something

You go through a constant riot of emotions every day. You are there for your family member who actually has cancer, they need you. They have the right to be depressed, mad, sad, and feel every emotion out there so you need to be sympathetic and let them. When I have emotions my husband tries to understand but he doesn't get it. He doesn't see my mom falling apart, my dad watching the destruction of his wife and marriage, my sister holding it all together with them living in her home and sister 3 and 4 coping fron out of state. He doesn't feel the pressure of keeping my moms spirits up. He doesn't feel the weight of knowing the tumor has grown a little and in reading all the literature (not Internet jargon) and realizing what the future holds with lung cancer, that I am feeling in pieces. I try to talk to him but he doesn't get it. But in his defense I'm not the best at communicating my own feelings. As soon as he shows any misunderstanding I shut down. I talk to sister number two but I try not to overwhelm her since she is married a year, new baby and has my parents in her home. She is a saint. I try to help but there is little I can do. When the weather warms up I can get dad out of the house more and that will help.

As David Bowie said "ch..ch..changes"

So the tumor has grown a little bit.  We were given the news yesterday that is has grown a little but has not spread.  Now they can do a biopsy and tailor make chemo to target her tumor so that it does not kill all her cells, just the tumor.  She should not lose her hair this time.  The problem is mom is already so negative we are fighting such a battle with her anger and need to isolate.  She doesn't want to talk and when she does is such false optimism I just want to grind my teeth.  Then yesterday sister # 2 and I had to call sister 3 and 4 and give them the news.  We tried to make it sound as positive as possible but how do you make it sound good that a tumor that is getting a good treatment has grown a little in 3 months sound good??  Sister 3 took it hard.  She tried to sound ok but it didn't work.  I feel like shit that I can't help, but there is no making this ok.  Our family is changed forever.  My dad is on a breaking point.  I don't know how much more he can take.  Poor sister #2 has mom and dad living with her and her new husband and 11 week old baby.  That is a strain I hate that she has to put up with.  We all put on a face of being ok.  People as about mom and I say "she's doing ok" because they don't really want to hear the whole story and I don't want to tell it.  Even my husband doesn't want to hear it, even though he asks.  It I start to talk he jumps in with positive crap and doesn't just let me talk.  Sometimes I just need to talk.  Even if I jump to negative conclusions, say the wrong thing, talk about things that hurt or talk about things that could go wrong but never will I just need to say it.  But I can't.  Everyone want's to cut you off and push the positive.  Even I do it with mom and I realized that yesterday.  I promised myself to stop and let her say what she needs to say from this point on.  It's not fair to her to keep pushing the positive when she might just need to get the ugly out.

Never good news, even when it's good

Even though things are going well in regards to the tumor my mom still acts defeated. She had the drainage tube removed because the tumor has stopped producing fluid. This is a good thing. She is in pain, thinking the tube left scar tissue around her nerve. She hurts and has blood pressure problems. Now we deal with her pain, anger and disappointment. Nothing seems to make her happy so interacting with her is hard. I watch my dad becoming bitter that she is not pulling through this but I can't say I wouldn't withdraw if it were me. You never know. They both believe deep down that she's dying, mom and dad have both made statements to the fact that she's "a dying woman" at one time or another. Never around each other of course. As a daughter this hits you in the gut and is hard to recover from. Even in correcting them I can see they believe it. I and my sisters remain optimistic, hearing the Drs good news and latching onto it. We talk about moms negativity and how to change it. The fact is, we can't.