Wednesday, March 18, 2015

As David Bowie said ""

So the tumor has grown a little bit.  We were given the news yesterday that is has grown a little but has not spread.  Now they can do a biopsy and tailor make chemo to target her tumor so that it does not kill all her cells, just the tumor.  She should not lose her hair this time.  The problem is mom is already so negative we are fighting such a battle with her anger and need to isolate.  She doesn't want to talk and when she does is such false optimism I just want to grind my teeth.  Then yesterday sister # 2 and I had to call sister 3 and 4 and give them the news.  We tried to make it sound as positive as possible but how do you make it sound good that a tumor that is getting a good treatment has grown a little in 3 months sound good??  Sister 3 took it hard.  She tried to sound ok but it didn't work.  I feel like shit that I can't help, but there is no making this ok.  Our family is changed forever.  My dad is on a breaking point.  I don't know how much more he can take.  Poor sister #2 has mom and dad living with her and her new husband and 11 week old baby.  That is a strain I hate that she has to put up with.  We all put on a face of being ok.  People as about mom and I say "she's doing ok" because they don't really want to hear the whole story and I don't want to tell it.  Even my husband doesn't want to hear it, even though he asks.  It I start to talk he jumps in with positive crap and doesn't just let me talk.  Sometimes I just need to talk.  Even if I jump to negative conclusions, say the wrong thing, talk about things that hurt or talk about things that could go wrong but never will I just need to say it.  But I can't.  Everyone want's to cut you off and push the positive.  Even I do it with mom and I realized that yesterday.  I promised myself to stop and let her say what she needs to say from this point on.  It's not fair to her to keep pushing the positive when she might just need to get the ugly out.

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