Monday, May 11, 2015


You answer me!!! You tell me why a Christian God is would make my sweet mother suffer?! Why would he let her be scared? Why would someone worship a God who would let innocent children and mothers die from a horrible disease, send fathers to war? Abuse the elderly? I don't understand? If anyone wants to know why I'm not Christian but I'm a good moral person, the above is part of my answer!!

Saturday, May 9, 2015

Sitting here

As I sit here in the hospital with my mom as she sleeps, I cherish every moment. I realize every moment of anger and resentment are wasted emotions. I might have months, weeks or years but I'm not going to waste them mad at my mom. She hurts, she has problems breathing and she has cancer. How she deals with it is her own. I am just going to stand with her and be there. I'm not saying it's going to be easy but that is my decision. 

Monday, May 4, 2015

Never ending guilt

There are appointments in Nashville tomorrow that I can't attend due to work and my own Drs appts. They are not anything out of the ordinary, not any biopsys, ct scans or anything but my dad feels calmer when I'm ther so I feel like shit that I can't be there. There is no winning at this situation. 

Good days and bad days

There are good days and there are bad. Mom did really well for about a week. She went walking along Riverside without her wig, which made me cry with happiness sine those who are active and moving show better recovery rates. But this past weekend she was in a lot of pain and stayed in bet with her oxygen on, seeming to slip Bach again. It's very disheartening. Dad said she is having more trouble breathing and talking about getting her a wheelchair for her Drs visits. I'm not sure how I feel about that. It upsets me but I see the logic in it. I feel like I have moved to the point where I have disassociated myself from her illness and just do what needs to be done otherwise I will not be able to function. I don't think I have any other choice.