Why

You answer me!!! You tell me why a Christian God is would make my sweet mother suffer?! Why would he let her be scared? Why would someone worship a God who would let innocent children and mothers die from a horrible disease, send fathers to war? Abuse the elderly? I don't understand? If anyone wants to know why I'm not Christian but I'm a good moral person, the above is part of my answer!!

Sitting here

As I sit here in the hospital with my mom as she sleeps, I cherish every moment. I realize every moment of anger and resentment are wasted emotions. I might have months, weeks or years but I'm not going to waste them mad at my mom. She hurts, she has problems breathing and she has cancer. How she deals with it is her own. I am just going to stand with her and be there. I'm not saying it's going to be easy but that is my decision. 

Never ending guilt

There are appointments in Nashville tomorrow that I can't attend due to work and my own Drs appts. They are not anything out of the ordinary, not any biopsys, ct scans or anything but my dad feels calmer when I'm ther so I feel like shit that I can't be there. There is no winning at this situation. 

Good days and bad days

There are good days and there are bad. Mom did really well for about a week. She went walking along Riverside without her wig, which made me cry with happiness sine those who are active and moving show better recovery rates. But this past weekend she was in a lot of pain and stayed in bet with her oxygen on, seeming to slip Bach again. It's very disheartening. Dad said she is having more trouble breathing and talking about getting her a wheelchair for her Drs visits. I'm not sure how I feel about that. It upsets me but I see the logic in it. I feel like I have moved to the point where I have disassociated myself from her illness and just do what needs to be done otherwise I will not be able to function. I don't think I have any other choice.

Downhill

So what do you do when someone is gone but they're still here? Physically, she's not doing awful. The tumor has not spread but has not shrunk. She is in constant pain so she is on strong pain melds to help control the pain. Her oxygen levels have dropped so now she is in an oxygen tube when needed. They have found two blood clots in her good lung so she has to inject herself with Medes to bust up the blood clots. 

She acts very withdrawn from everything, including the family. She sleeps a lot which I know is a defense mechanism but as her daughter makes me angry. I want my mom to get mad and act like she's fighting. Instead she lets dad baby her (because he does not know what else to do) and whimpers around. I shouldn't be mad but my mom is already gone. She's withdrawn from the world, family, everything but is still here. She might as well be gone. 

I realize what makes me angry and it's the victim role she puts herself in. She is acting like a "victim of cancer". I want her to be a fighter, the mom I've seen fight all my life but not lately. It's a fine line I walk, I can't get mad at her and avoid her but if I'm around her and she acts meek then I get angrier. 

Always something

You go through a constant riot of emotions every day. You are there for your family member who actually has cancer, they need you. They have the right to be depressed, mad, sad, and feel every emotion out there so you need to be sympathetic and let them. When I have emotions my husband tries to understand but he doesn't get it. He doesn't see my mom falling apart, my dad watching the destruction of his wife and marriage, my sister holding it all together with them living in her home and sister 3 and 4 coping fron out of state. He doesn't feel the pressure of keeping my moms spirits up. He doesn't feel the weight of knowing the tumor has grown a little and in reading all the literature (not Internet jargon) and realizing what the future holds with lung cancer, that I am feeling in pieces. I try to talk to him but he doesn't get it. But in his defense I'm not the best at communicating my own feelings. As soon as he shows any misunderstanding I shut down. I talk to sister number two but I try not to overwhelm her since she is married a year, new baby and has my parents in her home. She is a saint. I try to help but there is little I can do. When the weather warms up I can get dad out of the house more and that will help.

As David Bowie said "ch..ch..changes"

So the tumor has grown a little bit.  We were given the news yesterday that is has grown a little but has not spread.  Now they can do a biopsy and tailor make chemo to target her tumor so that it does not kill all her cells, just the tumor.  She should not lose her hair this time.  The problem is mom is already so negative we are fighting such a battle with her anger and need to isolate.  She doesn't want to talk and when she does is such false optimism I just want to grind my teeth.  Then yesterday sister # 2 and I had to call sister 3 and 4 and give them the news.  We tried to make it sound as positive as possible but how do you make it sound good that a tumor that is getting a good treatment has grown a little in 3 months sound good??  Sister 3 took it hard.  She tried to sound ok but it didn't work.  I feel like shit that I can't help, but there is no making this ok.  Our family is changed forever.  My dad is on a breaking point.  I don't know how much more he can take.  Poor sister #2 has mom and dad living with her and her new husband and 11 week old baby.  That is a strain I hate that she has to put up with.  We all put on a face of being ok.  People as about mom and I say "she's doing ok" because they don't really want to hear the whole story and I don't want to tell it.  Even my husband doesn't want to hear it, even though he asks.  It I start to talk he jumps in with positive crap and doesn't just let me talk.  Sometimes I just need to talk.  Even if I jump to negative conclusions, say the wrong thing, talk about things that hurt or talk about things that could go wrong but never will I just need to say it.  But I can't.  Everyone want's to cut you off and push the positive.  Even I do it with mom and I realized that yesterday.  I promised myself to stop and let her say what she needs to say from this point on.  It's not fair to her to keep pushing the positive when she might just need to get the ugly out.